


A Chain of Weakness

by booktick



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, Awkward Conversations, Bisexual Hawkeye Pierce, Denial of Feelings, Episode: s04e23 The More I See You, Falling In Love, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Mentions of Carlye Walton, Mentions of Sidney Freedman, Nostalgia, Overthinking, Past Relationship(s), Pov Hawkeye, Self-Denial, Self-Esteem Issues, Wishful Thinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-27 20:14:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17168642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/booktick/pseuds/booktick
Summary: 'Your work is always gonna be the most important, single thing in your life.' She had said it with such conviction and had to one up it with a compliment.He could still hear her, over and over. The words sunk into his chest each time. And each time it hurt a little more. He had thought he had done better. Maybe she was right, maybe it was a good thing...at times. But what happens when it's not?





	A Chain of Weakness

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own none of this franchise.
> 
> A/N: Hawkeye's thoughts are...all over the place.

* * *

The Swamp had grown smaller in the last week or so. Even with his roommates in their cots close by, he felt alone. The creeping crawling feeling of nothingness edged closer to his toes, to his ankles. If he wasn't careful, it'd drag him down. The pressure on his body would part someday and it terrified him. It would happen _just like that_ and he'd be lost. He was so  _sure._

Damn it.

Hawkeye had tried to push himself into his work, if he could call it work here. He kept his head down and did what his hands were good at. Even BJ had taken note of his recent unHawkeyeness. He'd been a real sourpuss ever since his last conversation with her.

Carlye had left a few days ago and her touch was still everywhere he turned. He would round a corner and there she'd be but...not really, not physically. Or a nurse would smile at him and, just for a moment, he felt warm again. And then it'd leave. He figured he couldn't blame her. She didn't do anything wrong, wasn't her fault she was transferred to the 4077. Things just...happened. 

Girl like Carlye was something special--hell, a person like Carlye was significant in this world. She was married and he wasn't. He knew better, made excuses and even if Beej said he couldn't be a judge on the matter, Hawkeye could still see the way his best friend had looked at him.

Best friend, huh? Tommy had been his best friend. Now BJ Hunnicutt took the field just as Hawkeye had come up to bat. Surely he'd done plenty to get BJ to have some sort of opinion on his antics. He had struck out with Carlye once to many.

Strike one, strike two...what if strike three was it with BJ? What if Strike one was enough? What if BJ was always back seat too? He hadn't been thinking too much of anything else but himself lately he supposed. Hawkeye this, oh Hawkeye that. Classic Narcissus, or whatever. Yet...her voice came falling back into his ears soon after thinking of BJ.

 _'Your work is always gonna be the most important, single thing in your life.'_  She had said it with such conviction and had to one up it with a compliment. 

He could still hear her, over and over. The words sunk into his chest each time. And each time it hurt a little more. He had thought he had done better. Maybe she was right, maybe it was a good thing...at times. But what happens when it's not? He really,  _really_ didn't want to find the answer to that.

Hawkeye turned his entire body in his cot around, the blanket resisted the movement and scratched at his body. He glanced in the other corner of the tent, no sign of the nosy cryptid known as Frank Burns. His condolences to Indiana for having to room such a fellow. His wife must have been one hell of a woman.

But as Hawkeye's eyes wandered back to the first corner he'd been interested in, the view of a seemingly sleeping fellow doctor laid in a similar cot and Frank Burns left his mind completely. If only the rest of his thoughts could do the same.

"Beej?" He whispered, "Hey...Hey, BJ. You awake?"

The slumbering figure, a graceful one at that, whined softly. His lips tugged upward at the response. He tried to pull his blanket up more, over his shoulder. He'd blame it on the cold instead of his internal emotional bleeding at the moment. It didn't help much. He was getting colder and his mouth was in a sort of awful place between dry and bland. He licked his lips and leaned forward on his cot some. 

"Dr. Hunnicutt, your presence is required immediately at Dr. Pierce's office. _Stat_." He attempted to lower his voice, biting off the hushed giggle at the end.

Either BJ was gorgeous in his sleep or gorgeous in general, 'cause the way he smiled made Hawkeye almost feel relieved. It was a brief feeling but it was something. He tilted his head down, chin tucked against his scratchy, should be exiled actually, blanket but his eyes never left his friend. His smile, which was also a mere fleeting moment unfortunately, fell away and he kept watching BJ's resting form. 

"You there, BJ?" Frank would have told them both to shut up about now, _maybe_ that was his train of thoughts needed.

Maybe was maybe and maybe he should just...

"Mmm?" BJ murmured into the night.

"You awake?" Hawkeye whispered, a bit more cautious this time.

"Am now." BJ didn't open his eyes, kept the smile and stretched out in his cot, enough for Beej's blanket to tug down and shirt rise.

"Sorry about earlier," he tried to figure out the right words, "Back when you phoned Peg?"

Maybe there weren't any words. There he went with the maybes again. What was he, a parrot? 

"Tha's alright, no troubles," the Californian dream spurred, "You're just ducky, Hawk..."

Ducky. 

_Great._

The more he stared at BJ, the more he _thought_. The only reason he thought was because of that whole thumb to lip thing when Frank tried to get him in trouble. That...That had just been in the moment thing, it wasn't--it didn't mean anything really. They were worn out and the trial had been grueling and things were different in that circumstance. It was a joke. Just teasing each other like they always did.

It wasn't like him and Carlye. Had nothing to do with hin and Carlye. They're friends. Close. Allies. It was just a small moment of nothing really. Why was he even thinking of it? He should be thinking of Carlye. Well, maybe not thinking too much but...or at all maybe. She was married. BJ was married.

And yet, he kept his eyes on BJ anyway. The the cold seemed to slip away from his cheeks at the sight of BJ Hunnicutt. Must have been late night chills or something closely related. It had to be closer to that than closer to the thoughts in the back of his head. His thoughts were blurring and it was getting messier the more he thought. But Carlye was gone, at least physically, and there...there was BJ. 

His eyes drifted down the man's neck, towards the view of belly from how the shirt rode up some. He swallowed hard before he looked back up. It was just a shirt, shirts did that, it had nothing to do with the current matter at hand. But as he looked back at the smiling face of BJ Hunnicutt, Carlye swooped in harder. He took a deep breath, it was shaky at best.

"Y'okay, Hawk?"

"Huh? Oh, me?" Hawkeye stumbled with his words, "Yeah." He nodded.

BJ nodded back, even if he couldn't see Hawkeye at the moment. Must be only _half_ awake, the little liar. But he tilted his head back up, throat bare, and eyelids drooped. He slipped a hand under his own blanket, fingers pressed against his chest. His heart was practically a hammer, the surprise being his ribs didn't just break from the force of it. He took another deep, still shaky as hell, breath and tried to push the smiling face of out of his head.

Wait, Carlye? When did she get back in his head? There was that blurring pattern again. He just spent the last few minutes trying to forget her. That must have been why his heart was beating so fast. Her damn smile. It was always so bright and wide, met her ears and everything. It was like nothing was ever wrong when he saw her smile. It meant the world to him just to see it. BJ had a smile that could light up the universe...BJ. How did he get from Carlye to BJ again? It was so confusing. He must have slept funny the night before, that must have been it.

BJ Hunnicutt was a good friend and he woke the guy over nothing. There he went again, the Hawkeye Express filled with more Hawkeye. He could put people first. He could absolutely do that. He wasn't about to backseat anyone else, no, not him. He was a different person. Carlye just wasn't around long enough to see that. He could do better. He knew it. 

Hawkeye rubbed his eyes and groaned softly, "I'm okay," he says, "Sorry I woke you, Beej."

A sigh, or heavy breath, he wasn't entirely sure, left BJ a moment after, "S'okay, Hawk. Love ya, night." And with that, BJ turned away from him, back facing him.

The words ' _love ya'_ made him itch all over again. Maybe BJ was thinking of Peg. BJ loved Peg, loved her more than he'd seen anyone love...well, anyone. Hawkeye had thought he loved Carlye. He did, didn't he? Love her? Of course he did. He loved--loves her...

Carlye said she loved him. Did he say it back? He couldn't remember. Did he ever say he loved Beej? BJ probably wouldn't even remember saying it, not that it mattered. They were good friends anyway. Close friends. _Equals_. His mind was running in circles...he just thought way too fast sometimes. He blinked quickly a few times before he rubbed his eyes once more. His fingers attempting to wipe out the last week or so from them. 

What would Sidney do?

Well, for starters. Sidney would have been the one staring, not him. Two, Sidney would probably, in that unnecessary and rhythmic way of his, ask ' _What do you think it means, Hawkeye?"._ Which he would have to shrug and say ' _I dunno'._ It was a whole process, had gone through it plenty with Sidney. Not that he craved such things on a regular basis. He loved the guy, sure, salt of the Earth and all that, but he didn't know how to find the answers on his own. No matter what Carlye had insisted, he wasn't that talented.

He just had to get some rest. If he could just slow down his thinking and rest, it'd all even out. He began to shut his eyes, a softer breathing left him. He turned again, until his fingers curled tight against the cot and his back faced BJ. It'd be easier to hide himself, not that he did that, from BJ if anything about Carlye _Watson_ slipped out in his sleep. It'd be better in the morning. He just needed some rest...


End file.
